I'm on the mrt and sitting across me was yong xiang and the malay guy from his class. Yong Xiang was slping while that malay guy was reading a book. Then, the mrt stopped at dover mrt station. I went out and i saw kelvin. I walked up to him and said hi and he aso did the same.
Den he went into the mrt.

I started to walk and suddenly, i was in a forest clearing. All the teens pple were there. henry kor came up to me and said tat he was very disappointed in me and that they are all going to cut off ties with me. I was upset but i pretended tat i dun mind abt it. Den jeremy stepped out and said tat he wana quit too.

we were both ushered to the cliff and was forced to jump off it. I felt the blood rushing to my face and i woke up.

den i saw yong xiang at the bus stop. A coincidence or wad?

anyway, maybe the dream signify that i am nt tat impt to teens club or that henry kor does not believe in me?

i always finds tat he treats me like a small little kid that needs protection. He refuses to tell me anything that he thinks will harm or corrupt me. He refuses to bring me to places where dickson and all the others go. The fact tat i was at warren golf club was bcuz it was near to my school. He thinks that i m nt old enough to noe anything. Even recently, kangwei, henry kor and his gf went back to look for us when they found that I had wandered away. Is it a sign that they care abt me or they treat me as a kid?
when they were drinking, they refuses to ;et me drink although irving was also underage.
When i was nt very slpy, henry kor got up and offered his place to let me slp although he was very tired. It was only when I gt up and told him that i m nt slpy tat he went to slp. I was glad of the attention that he gave me. At least he did nt forget abt me but i feel that we have a gap btw us. for god noes wad reason.

maybe i should call his gf da sao.

maybe i should go to the chalet.

my bro is having exams tis week so i'm nt allowed to disturb him.

giving in is a virtue?

flame of recca=>jeremy
basketball=>kelvin
hockey=>yong xiang
comic=>jacqueline
pig=>kestrel
rich=>xiaoling
lit=>wen
tweetybird=>von
jay=>kelvin
yellow=>henry kor
purple=>jiawen
soccer=>jun han
black=>jeremy
gay=>nigel
poetry=>josh
wire=>dad
doors=>dad
homework=>mum
internet=>wen
club=>wen
tkd=>thomas
chinese=>bin hong

keeping mum abt everything. I guess that's nt the way to go. Maybe juz like mrs meya says, i have been hiding behind's everybody's opinion and i m afraid to give my true opinion. hmm, seems like i have gone thr that in one of the previous post?

i wish tat yamapi is in sg and is mine.
lonely nites ahead.
i'm going to tire myself so tat my mind wun wander.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 1:53 PM|

- + - - - + -

i swear i m nt going to walk near the basketball court again. It juz made my mood worse. I help help it but i feel like crying everytime i go near basketball court. It suxz. i feel like going for a brain operation to get rid of bad memories. sometimes, these memories will juz pop out of nowhere and haunt me.

I realise y i did nt wan to continue working in the first place. It suxz. Politics again. I cnt seem to get out of the vicious circle. I hate working life and this is juz the 2nd day tat i'm working. I cnt imagine hw long i m going to stand it.

everybody is starting to get busy. y do i feel like i m nt tat busy when my schedule is so packed?
i feel tat maybe i have overworked myself. mentally and physically. Denying myself the pleasure of going out, of doing alot of things tat i like. To force myself to take up so many commitments until i am reaching hme late at nite everyday.

work on mon
tkd training on tue
work on wed
jap lesson on thur
tkd training on fri
cip on sat
work on sun

ok, that's all. With my irregular malay lessons and the photography course that i m in, i wonder if my results will drop. I hope not. Anyway, i dun really study at hme so i dun think so.

oh..n i gt my pay at pay pal. in US dollars. At least they are extra bucks for me. Nw, i juz nd to reach 200 sing dollars to withdraw the money. YAY!!

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 12:04 AM|

- + - - - + -

i'm working so i wun be able to update as often as i like.

i'm emo tis week. hmm.i hate morns.

i wish tat i'm going for the chalet when i was the one hu said tat i din wan to go.
i'm seriously retarded.

I juz cnt seem to say the things that i wana say. I will be very conscious of the other party reaction to it. Maybe i should loosen up my tougue a little. I realise that i m more frank when i'm tired. Maybe tat's because i wun think b4 i say..haha..

i have my so much stuff to do tat even if i dun slp for 1 whole month, i aso cnt finish doing.
i hate myself for putting off work until the last min and den bitch abt it..haha..like nw..

i think tat i have given up on kelvin. i hope tat tis time if for real. If i dun see him ever again. which might be possible. jeremy told me smth tat i super agree on.

hmm..have to slp le..

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 1:01 AM|

- + - - - + -

A quarrel broke out again and y am i being dragged into tis quarrel fullforce?
it doesn't even involve me. I'm like at the other side of sg. i dun even see her tat much.
i dun mind if they juz complain abt her to me. i noe tat it is juz a mean to vent anger. However, to boycott her? i dun think i wana do tat. it serves no purpose except to strain the relationship even more.

I wish tat everyone can be like me and him. We haven quarreled a single time. haha. but maybe i haven exactly quarreled with any one in teens club except for wei rong? hmm...tat's the gd thing abt keeping my mouth shut. They should learn frm us and then there wun be so much disagreement going on.

i dun like being the peacemaker. It drains up all my energy. Sometimes, i tink tat i'm being too nice and pple are pushing me around. i have my own problems too. it is nt as if they are the only pple hu have problems. i juz doesn't like to talk abt it tat's all.

i might be going to japan tis yr and i'm like super looking forward to it.

sometimes i wish tat i m alone in tis world.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:08 AM|

- + - - - + -

a few more hours. I can do alot of things today if i had stayed at hme. i find that coming to sch is juz a waste of time. There isn't alot of things to do. I hate people who nag and talk rubbish, like a certain somebody. i hope tat geok n jacq have a fun time and xiaoling aso. atashitachi wa ganbaru. isshou ni ganbaru ne.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 2:36 PM|

- + - - - + -

i hate pple hu tell lies.
i hate pple hu disturb me when i'm slping.
i hate pple hu boasts.
i hate pple hu wans to put me down.
i hate pple hu force me to do things tat i dun wana do.
i hate pple hu think tat they r clever.
i hate pple hu backstabs pple.
i hate smokers.

i like yamapi.
i love the way he can use both hands to do things.
i love the way he smiles.
i love the way that he is shy in front of the camera.
i love the way he presents himself in the j-web diary.
i love the way he draws.
i love the way he acts akira.
i love him always.

i'm going crazy.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 2:37 AM|

- + - - - + -

hmm..
i wonder y guys muz lie?
maybe i should be happy that he lie to her?
but tat's mean.

stream of consciousness
i tried doing that but i realise that my mind is a blank.
it's weird.

ok..trying to let my mind wonder.
starting point - feelings.

feelings does get in the way when u wana do serious stuff. no matter hw hard i try, i juz cnt shake off tat feeling. I noe tat darren chan is the 1 hu is going to mark my project work but i juz help but dislike him. HELLO..is there any teacher hu is as irritating as him? when we are doing our work, he juz cnt stop his mouth frm saying pple. We are nt even surfing other websites and he told us to be more serious in our work. Den when we tried to reason wif him he said,"u wan to win me in tis izzit? juz listen to me quietly and den do ur work." we are nt even in the wrong la so y muz we stand for tis. It pisses me off. I tink tat charmaine was aso quite pissed with him too. ok, i keep on hearing tat feelings are impt but i think tat being deprived of feelings is aso nt a bad thing. she seems so stressed out these few days too. tml is my jap exam and i dun think tat my preparation is enough. It seems tat i am slacking too much this yr. Too much vcds are nt gd for health. i should cut down on them. to be strong or nt be strong. y muz be put on a mask for pple to c?is the world such a superficial place tat there will be no truth in everything and anything tat u say? politeness is only until a certain level.i'm feeling slpy.

haiz..4get it..it's weird n i tired of typing.
i wish tat yamapi is mine.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 1:48 AM|

- + - - - + -

i love the way lee kuan yew (lky) speaks. Admire him. This is super cool, the way he can use the words that his oppenents said against them. I aso wish tat i have that talent. Lee xian long couldn't surpass him in that aspect.

went club today. Was late. blah. Anyway, it's my fault for knowing that it's time to go but refusing to budge an inch. I'm lazy and I noe it..haha..the skit was quite ok la. At least the kids doesn't really disobey me. uncle said tat it was abstract. I din realise it until it was acted out too.maybe gt too much influence liao..haha..

i wana work! it seems tat none of the jobs can fit my timetable. It is so irritating. Maybe I should drop one of my commitments but it will seem like i'm wasting time. blah. I nd another 1 more yr for my black belt and den i can drop it. My jap. I think there is still like 3 n 1/2 more yr to go. atashi wa ganbaru.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 12:36 AM|

- + - - - + -

I was in a windowless room with a set of twin girls and Jun Han. The set of twin girls were not allowed to go out of the room as they are considered to be cursed as both their parents are dead. Jun Han and I were discussing abt the tkd pattern as we were supposed to have the tkd grading later.
Went out of the room. The first thing I saw was the words on the door.Room 5A and our names. Met up with 2 other girls whom their faces I cnt rem. We were going to practise at the empty space near the clementi shop houses. It was still dark at that point of time. When we reached there, there was a girl practising there too but when she saw us, she picked up her bag and went away. The four of us were practising the tkd pattern until a group of guys came to bother us. As we doesn't have much time left, we offered a solution.By sparring. If they lose to us, they are supposed to go away. In the end, we won them and they went away.
It was nearing daylight and the 3 others had went back to the room to change into the gi. I practise until wen tapped on my shoulder and told me tat i m running out of time. I was panicking at the point of time because I couldn't rem my whole pattern. I rushed back to the room and quickly changed into my gi. After that, I asked winnie to show me the pattern once so that I will rem it but juz then, i remembered the pattern.
Then jac called me over to her side and told me that Nurul can make it to my grading cuz her bro is going going there. Den mx walked past me. I noticed because I was thinking abt when can I become a black belt. Den the one thing that jac told me made me woke up. That is "Jeremy and Dickson cnt make it to the grading today."

ok. That is a weird dream.


+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 5:28 PM|

- + - - - + -

sometimes i really wonder if I am that chaste..
ok, i sorta understand wad my class is talking abt when they are talking dirty.
I minded at first but recently, i started not to mind it.
They talk abt it in such a matter-of-fact manner that i really feel like applauding them. I even joke abt it sometimes like i wana be the woman who acted as yamapi's sister in the bathroom scene. Charmaine was so shocked when she heard that.haha...Gerri was aso shocked when i said some stuff..i tink our conversation is sometime like tis
gerri: i wanted nikki to be my lesbian partner
me: haha...den u all can do kinky stuff right?
gerri:jieyi,sometimes i really think that you noe more den wad u let on,u noe..
me:haha..i'm juz kidding

maybe i do noe but it doesn't mean tat i wan pple to noe..
maybe i was juz curious and it is nt really my intention to noe everytink
maybe i juz wan to be adventuous for once
maybe tat is y i wonder y guys wank

tat reminds me
nigel told me tat he wanks n those hu doesn't isn't a guy
he doesn't believe tat guys dun wank
haha..n he says
guys use their hands while girls use foreign objects..
n it was while mr chan was walking past us la...i could feel my face turning red but it seems tat gerri n him doesn't even care..
oh ya..n we found a pic of girl bondage or smth in mr chan's folder..i nearly die of laughter...

kk...end of tis stuff...i am going into fits soon...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 2:54 PM|

- + - - - + -

ARASHI ROXZ!!! ARASHI ROXZ!!!ARASHI ROXZ!!!!

ARASHI consists of matsumoto jun(matsujun), ohno, aiba, sho and nino.

omg! they are so cute la. I think it is cuz of MATSUJUN role in KIMI WA PETTO and HANA YORI DANGO. those who haven watched should watched it la. It is like shown in youtube and there are some websites tat u can d/l it frm.

arashian.com have quite alot of stuff abt them.

i hope tat everyone will support them....

ARASHI ROXZ!!!! ARASHI ROXZ!!! ARASHI ROXZ!!!!!ARASHI ROXZ!!!

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 10:22 PM|

- + - - - + -

sat

wen finally managed to talk xiao liang nt to make me go all the way to seragoon. I was super tired after tkd la. Finally saw jeremy after such a long time. Miss him lots...haha..nt in the couple sense but in a good fren..cuz he is so busy preparing 4 his 'o's..i hope he do better den me la...he gt lots to catch up...at least he's nt pissed off wif von anymore. He has changed. I mean physically..kk..alittle more broadshouldered and taller...but inside, he din change..he's still as close-lipped as ever but the fact tat i managed to get alot of stuff out of him means tat he is ok wif me rite?
sorta hugged jeremy when he went hme...i have an instict tat i wun c him 4 a long time again. I miss his quietness. He understands wad i wana say even tho i din say the thing out loud. Stuff tat i wun tell pple aso will be coaxed out by him. I guess it was since the jacuzzi pool incident together tat we had a private conversation.i wun wan to lose a fren like him.
i dun tink he share alot of stuff wif other teens. He keeps lotsa stuff to himself...
hen and his gf,irving and his gf, kangwei, wen n andy, jeremy, von,biqi, auntie jim n mc, uncles, raymond,bing liang n qing hong and lotsa of pple went.
biqi's chalet wasn't really wad i expected. But it was still ok at the end. Everybody slpt.woke up super early la but in the end reached toa payoh so early...i could have slpt 1/2 an hr more.

sun

grading for super fun. I was nt nervous at all, which was the 1st for me. I think tat the sparring 4 great. I sorta pity my opponent. She was thrashed by me. I think I kicked her in all the painful places. Ouch..
din get to really slp..is such a waste of time to travel so far la. Still has tat lit project.I slpt like crazy after charmaine and jas went hme...slpt until 7 tis morn...lol...

i felt bad..did smth i shouldn't do..but i dun really regret it..i love the thrill.
i feel smth. it cnt be described. passion maybe? i really dunno.

i'm glad tat jeremy msg me today. took my mind of things. felt much more relieved.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 9:21 PM|

- + - - - + -

i'm oning the ht period. It is so dumb, making us do nth there..
i'm seeing if i can make money on the web. It seems like fun.
I'm aso super busy tis week. Hope tat i will get well faster or else i will die sia..

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 1:02 PM|

- + - - - + -

loss of innocence.
darkness of human's heart.

y izzit tat when i reread the book, i felt more feelings for it den when i was in sec 3? mabbe din get wad the story meant at first but den i see the book different nw.

playing escape rooms.Haha. Manage to get out of the swan's room and blue room. It's a fun game.

hmm...i wana watch tokyo towers...hu has it1!!! i cnt find it anyway n my stupid com cnt use BT. irritating...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 1:10 AM|

- + - - - + -