Lies. Lies. Lies. This world is made up of lies. A grey world. There is nothing that is truly black or white.He told me that he is coming but in the end, he nv turn up. Nvm, it's ok. Gt 2 more red packets today.

Tml is a sch day. Dun feel like doing. I dun wana wake up early. But I HAVE to graduate with flying colours. i have a goal. I wana get into NUS as that is the only way that will ensure me that I can go to japan to study. so, after tday, i going to forget abt everything.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 10:43 PM|

- + - - - + -

my heart hurts. The thing that i dreaded has happened. But i'm nt going to cry. There is just a deep aching but my eyes are dry. I'm going to move forward, the way that it was supposed to happen. But no matter wad, I think i should root for him. Anyway, wad i want doesn't matter cuz it wun come true, except in my dreams.

It hurts, like a knife stabbing repeatedly. But with its stab, it hurts lesser and lesser.

But it doesn't matter. It juz shows hw much he cares.

i'm aching all over. Going to slp nw. Bye.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 3:18 AM|

- + - - - + -

i dun exactly like cny tis year. But the gd thing is, I finally picked up courage to ask HIM to take a photo wif me. Actually, I think he noe liao cuz he was giving me a weird look when I ask him. Nvm, cuz he din reject me. I think tat he is a super nice guy la. Paying the taxi fare 4 the gal when it was she hu ask him out. Tat is like so bitchy. I hope tat he wun be going steady wif her. Made another resolution. To lose weight. I'm too heavy le. Anyway, gtg le.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 2:36 AM|

- + - - - + -

guess i'm slack compared to some of my classmates. this is bad. My mind is urging me to study. Arghh. My mum is putting up stupid deco all over the hme. N nw, my dad is going to come hme very late cuz he is going drinking wif his friend. Another minus point. This is speaking frm experience. He vomited juz the other day cuz of overdrinking. At 3am in the morn. Luckily is nt in the rm or else i will die frm the stink.

Cnt understand these adults. Weird. If it is nt because of my health, my dad wouldn't have given up smoking. I get real serious cough if i breathe in the 2nd hand smoke. Actually i dun mind drinking but until cnt take it is real serious. It is at the stage where the body is telling u that u have drank too much. Third thing. Both my grandmother n mum are nagging for god knows wad reason. My dad isn't at hme and I get all the nagging. Is that fair to me? Pisses me off. Esp my bro hu went to slp so early.

kazoku. Reminds me of 1 litre of tears. is the first show that i wept over. yes, I noe I'm repeating myself but I seriously cnt help it. It's so nice! But she still has to die. Initially when I watched it, I felt that she was very weak cuz she keeps on weeping when she knew that she was sick. But on further thinking, it is normal. I mean, when u are 15 years old, u still have a bright future ahead of u. N at this point of time, you get diagnosed with a fatal disease which cnt be cured.
Enough said of this show.

I'm confused right now. Did I make the right choice of not taking the dip course? I noe that it is ex but den my parents will let me take if I really want it. However at hat pt of time, I told them not to waste money. Is that right of me? I feel super guilty abt spending my dad's money. He always ask me if I have enough to spend. So, i try nt to use so much money. I still feel that I am spending too much compared to my bro. He spends like 70cents a day in sch while i spend like 2-3 bucks. Plus i still learn so many things and still have to pay my sch fees.

Wvwn if I want to find a job, wad can I do? dun think any1 will wan to hire me, with my time so packed. The only thing that I can do is to spend as little as possible. So guys, nxt time when I have a temption to buy anything, STOP me pls...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 2:33 AM|

- + - - - + -

hey,take tis quiz to c hw well u noe me..

click here

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 4:26 AM|

- + - - - + -

feeling super sleepy...dunno y...but i wana watch finish the ep 1st sia..or else will be a waste of time...i dun tink it's possible to do everything tat i wana do during the short hols tat i have. This is frustating.

At least tml there isn't children club. It's nt tat i dun like the kids but sometimes there are more important stuff to do. like watching vcds..haha..juz kidding.

tsubasa is getting cuter and cuter each day. cnt stand it sia..

tkd training today. did running, warm up den we had simulation sparring. I forgt to bring guards but still have to do it. midori din kick reallly hard,tho i tot she will do so. but i muz wait until tml to noe the extent of my injury.

ytd, i did 300m in 1 min. nt bad rite? so nw muz improve on my stamina. The thing is tat i feel the tightening on my chest even b4 my legs started feeling tired. I cnt keep up my speed for long. N my starting speed is too slow aso.

hmm...chinese new year eve liao. 3 hours into it le. gt to get some slp le...ja mata..

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 3:20 AM|

- + - - - + -

busy this few days..dun even have time to watch shows..haha..i'm kidding..juz tat i din watch as much onli...


lots of hmewrk...dun tink i can finish during the hols...mabbe i juz skip some of the work. Watched disc 5 of 1 litre of tears liao..the show is super nice. watching ep1 part 2 of gokusen nw..if i can finish tis series...it's so cool...n matsujun is so cute inside...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 12:19 PM|

- + - - - + -

bought 1 litre of tears and ganbatte ikimashou and the office power lady..so i m officially in debt rite nw. lol..

went 4 tkd training today. Gt my green belt. yay..erm..we din do sparring today but instead, we have a competition among 4 groups. huishan, benjamin and gordon, they r all so funny. Gt to know more abt them.

sch is boring tis few days. Or izzit mabbe i dun really feel like studying? I am like doing all my work at the last min.

juz watched finish ep 8 of full metal alchemist.
finish watching kimi wa petto
starting on gokusen
finish disc 10 of my date with a vampire.

guess this will keep me busy until cny..haha..

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:59 PM|

- + - - - + -

is it ok if i disappear from this world?

That way,
1. it will lessen the greenhouse effect
2. the government won't need to spend more money
3. there will be more oxygen for pple to breathe
4. there will be more food and water for others
5. my parents won't need to spend so much money

it disturbs me. Can't describe the feeling.

ytd saw weijie. It was a long time since i have seen her. We celebrated nurul's birthday aso. Went to xiaoling's hme. There is a sense of guilt for nt going club. Opportunity cost? hmm...Went through 5 books. Have to go library soon. Bro was nice to me today. Seems weird.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:41 PM|

- + - - - + -

back again..lol..

tue
had tkd training. It was cool. qixiang, jaclyn, slyvia and gerald were the only black belts there. Then we were supposed to do physical training but winnie was saying that it look more like a free comedy show. We muz run backwards, then turn around with our hands touching the ground 3 times and then hop back on one foot. I'm sure that it was qixiang's doing cuz he should be the only 1 hu is so mad as to ask us to do this kind of thing. After tis, we did the 5 stations thingie. In the end, we only did 4 cuz qixiang 4gt abt us....haiz..

wed
nth much. It was shinling's birthday and we celebrated with small cakes. Jinglin gave a diary. I also dunno wad to gif her. Maybe treat her to a meal tml. hmm..gd idea. Went hme at around 5..Den i slpt at 11...suprisingly. Den woke up at 7. but i still slpt super sleepy.

thur
Slpt during lit class today. I asked the teacher permission to sort of skip pe cuz nt feeling very well. Was feeling a bit light-headed. Maybe i m going to b sick soon. The jap lesson today was quite fun. Funny i have no qualms abt going to the front of the class. Weird. There's homework again. That's the downside of it. Tml will be a better day. I'm sure of it. Cuz tml is short n i have tkd at nite..haha..

was thinking abt the song sung by ryo. And the part "ikite ne, zutto ikite" live on, live forever. Deep meaning.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:38 PM|

- + - - - + -

我发现到有许多人到这里，所以，我决定用华语来记录下每天的事情。

今天，charmaine 很生英国文学老师的气。她认为老师很不讲道理。我非常认同。那位老师一进班就开始骂人，结果根本就不是我们的错。她只是把我们当成她的出气筒罢了。后来，她跟我们道歉，却一点诚心都没有。这给我们班一个很坏的印象，使到我们开始讨厌她。

好了，明天再写。爸爸叫我去睡了。

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:14 PM|

- + - - - + -

long day...
first, i have to present the gp project work n den have to endure the teacher saying that maybe we have to present it to another class cuz we were 1 of the better 1. If that is really so, i think he gt a hearing problem or smth la. I feel that my presentation suxz la...I keep on fidgeting while talking and mispronounce some of the words...
fell aslp during econs lesson. I can't see hw i will pass econs tisyr, the teacher is so boring.
Pe- hate it. Why muz we run...and josh, he fainted or smth during econs class so he doesn't have to run...cool sia.


miss the first bus to go hme. Den have to wait 4 another 1. So sad. i juz hope that cny will faster come. I wana have a break, tho i think i will face the com the whole day while others celebrate..haha..but i dun mind.

i'm so tired. but den dun really feel like slping. The thought of yamapi n sho is still on my mind. If they can do it, why can't I?

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 12:17 AM|

- + - - - + -

ah hon kor kor came to my hme today...long time nv c him le...he's always so busy wif his work..i hope tat he can be the nxt 1 to have a wife. Den i can go to wedding dinner again...

the workload is getting more n more...n my bro is nt helpin when he keep on hogging the com...i can only use it late at nite. argh.

having weird thoughts lately...juz wish that i could get rid of them. Maybe i'm watching too much shows.

If i can adopt a blank face; a face which doesn't change when some1 is talking; a face that doesn't have emotion shown on it.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 10:32 PM|

- + - - - + -

"Turn back time"
If i can turn back time, I will do the things that I want to do, until late at nite.

1 litre of tears brought tears to my eyes. Long time since anything has that effect on me...but shota, a 10yr old child has to endure a progressive disease, a disease that cnt be cured, a disease that makes him unable to move about, to talk.

What is I am the one hu gt this disease? Will I have the strength to go on, or will i juz break down?
human is so fragile. A single,fatal disease will leave one crippled for life. If i have this disease, will I have the strength to go on living, or will i plead for mercy, to die straight away?

sometimes, i realise that I have a different way of thinking. I agree with ryo, that humans are greedy. Humans r really the only ones hu try to unbalance the system, to want to live longer when we r nt supposed to do so. Even if human's life are prolonged, there will be many diseases which comes with it. For me, I will juz wish that I die naturally, without any medicine, without treatment. I feel that it will be less of a burden to the world. Of cuz, i know that pple will want to cling on to life. Usually, when we r dying, we will want to live longer, clinging on to the last hope of life, when it is impossible to do so. That's y pple believe in religion when they r dying.

It's stupid. I mean, if u dun believe in god when u r healthy, y should u believe in god when u r dying? I will rather believe in myself, believe that I have the will to go on living.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 9:27 PM|

- + - - - + -

"unwanted"..that's hw i feel sometimes...
sometimes i even wonder if i pon class, will pple noe anot...

wad can i say?
i juz feel that i'm stupid..stupid for feeling the way i feel..stupid for the way i keep looking out of the bus..for everything that i do...

anyway, gt a new teacher...honda emi..sensei is sweet...she told us that she taught in sg 4 4 yrs le..it was amusing..the way my classmates muz guess wad she is talking abt cuz she speaks mostly in jap..i'm glad that i spent my hols watching jap shows cuz i can understand her...well, except 4 a few words here and there..haha..

matsujun
aiba
ninomiya
ohno
sho
takki
tsubasa
yamapi

they r all so cute..can die frm their cuteness sia..argh...
but sho n yamapi r gd in their studies...they are so pro la..can cope with work n studies at the same time...super!

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:53 PM|

- + - - - + -

matsujun...matsujun..i saw some1 hu look like him in the national library la...den kestrel was like saying tat i'm crazy liao..haha...anyway, today was boring..n i hate the new principal..he gt so many stupid tricks up his sleeves. 1st, he tried to shocked us by taking off his shirt off during assembly n den nw he start lecturing us on that we r at the top 30% or smth liddat..he's talking a lot of crap la...hu will believe him? he's juz making pple irritated with him la...stupid principal..

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 8:12 PM|

- + - - - + -

started watchin kimi wa petto. It's super nice. I aso wan matsujun as a pet la..he's so cute. Can't believe it sia..argh..n the bleach series, they stopped at ep63...so sad sia...

today is hari raya haji. but den ltr still muz go to charmaine's hme 4 the project work...so ma fan.

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 8:30 AM|

- + - - - + -

it's a rainy day today...so irritating...the way to toa payoh sports hall is so wet n we saw the ambulances for the emergency exercise. Met jane, paul n her mother to go there. Saw mid n bernice at tpsh aso. they were early too. Even winnie was early. Maybe it's cuz rainy la den every1 scared tat they will b late.

We were allowed to wear our shoes into the hall cuz it's like so wet outside. The thing I hate abt the grading is tat there is no 1 to look after the bag when we were being graded. I think i'm going to fail tis grading sia. Cuz i stumbled through 1 of the stances and the back thrust, haiz...winnie fared no better. I was shocked for a moment when she nearly fell when doing the pattern.

After tat, jane, mid, bernice n I went to mac to makan. oh y, wif paul aso. forgt abt him..haha..n mid pulled amos' pants..it's like so disgusting...n bernice was commenting on it la..so loudly in mac...LOL..anyway, he was wearing groin guard.

after i came hme, i slept again...lol...den my bobo and bo mu came. they were chatting abt ah xian jie jie n yong hao's wedding. GT to sit wif ah qiang kor kor, ke xin jie jie and yong sheng kor kor..nt bad la...haha...juz realised there's an additional family wif yong word le...elated..

i still haven finished my work..i really dun get it sia..i mean the hist essay. There's like nt much info abt it...maybe i juz like coup a few info frm every1 n do..hehe...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 11:46 PM|

- + - - - + -

went to club today. There's no tution but played ice-breaker games. Wei chen and wei ming are so cute sia. they really look alike lor. made the two newcomers so blur..haha..n jun han has grown taller aso. they gt their christmas presents today. It's great to be a kid man, if I can turn back time, I wana be one forever...

I am sitting at a table,doing my homework while dickson,henry and kelvin are playing pool. Once in a while, I will look up and watch them play. At around 5pm, Jeremy will reach and we will take a bus to bukit merah.

That's what we used to do last time. Why has everything changed? I admit that I was there cuz it was after school and the venue is just opp my school (If it is in a shopping mall, I wouldn't go), but it is nt just me. Everything has changed.

I still rem the song:

All around us, things are changing
seasons come and seasons go
very few things last forever
but deep in our hearts we know

forever friends forever friends
bound by love that time can't take away
forever friends forever friends
caring in a special kind of way
heart to heart and hand in hand
we'll stand until the end
love's forever when you're forever friends

And though we know it's time to say goodbye
we will always be together
and here's the reason why

forever friends forever friends
bound by love that time can't take away
forever friends forever friends
caring in a special kind of way
heart to heart and hand in hand
we'll stand until the end
love's forever when you're forever friends

love's forever when
you're forever friends

what happened to the promise that we made? Are they all lies?
If it is between the newer teens, I can still accept it. But then the problem is nt juz them. Why did the relationship between the teens have become so strained? Jiawen and dickson are not talking to each other for god knows wad reason; kelvin and melissa; jeremy and yvonne, von and stella; jiawen and von; jiawen and stella;dickson and geok; kangwei stopped coming to club;dickson too;henry is too absorbed in his own things..

everyone seems to have their own stuff to do. When teens was closed, they said that they will try to come to every gathering but in the end, it's always just the few of us who went. Then wad is the use of meeting?

Is the society that demanding that they can't spare a few hours to go out together? or are they glad to give an excuse not to go for the gathering, glad that teens has closed so that they wun need to go anymore? It's not as if they have no time to spare. Like dickson and alot of the others, they rather stay at hme or go out with their friends instead.

Am I the one who sees things this way or i m juz bias?

i think that I have changed, but for the better or the worse? One example is that I have once said that I hate little kids but nw, I feel that they are nt that bad(except for those who likes to cry cuz i can't stand pple crying..makes me want to go as far as possible). At least they are honest and they enjoy ur company and they are fun to play wif too. Unlike some..


Anyway, enough of this. Maybe the hurt will go away if I dun think abt it anymore.

Homework, homework and more homework...
This yr is indeed very demanding of my time and energy. My first weekend and there are so much things to do. Wonder hw am i going to get through this yr. GP project on abortion, the hist essay that muz be handed in on mon, the 600 words chinese essay, the 900 words chinese reviews, the literature short commentry which I think is nt at all short when we have to write half a page for a passage and there at 6 passages meaning that we have to write at least 3 pages.Argh...and I have nt done a single piece of hmewrk today.

finish watching saw. The show was not as interesting as the second 1 or am I having too high an expectation huh? Maybe that's the reason I can't achieve gd results. I get distracted too easily. Short attention span..anyonecan help me overcome this problem? haha...i get bored easily nowsaday. Dunno y but den it seems that everything that I do doesn't make sense to me right nw. wad am i studying for? y do i take up tkd in the 1st place? sometimes I really feel that if i juz stay at hme and rot, I will feel much better but my inner self is telling me that u r juz decieving urself. R u sure that you want to stay that way all ur life? I have made a few good friends in tkd. I guess it is compensation for wad i have lost as a result. opportunity cost...haha...going into econs term right nw.

gtg le..tkd grading is in a few hrs time...wish me luck..if i can pass tis grading, i will nd to spar nxt grading...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 12:28 AM|

- + - - - + -

bleach episode 60..yay...after so long..today is the 2nd day of sch..

went for the profiling.It was boring. The person is so long-winded and so sarcarstic. "i was only hard-working" and den he get all As..bth sia...

hmm..nw i understand y pple spend lots of time trying to build a website. It is nt so easy as it seems to be. Research muz be done and den still muz edit all the small lil stuff...

decided nt to go work liao. After i c the workload for tis yr cuz i'm sure i cnt cope wif everytink if i work. Plus i dun have time to go online if i work..haha...if i can, i dun wana work at all..

tata..muz continue watchin my show...btw, wish me luck...tml is pe..gonna be so dead..

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 1:12 AM|

- + - - - + -

spent the new yr watching hana yori dango. Guess i'm a sucker for cute guys...

hmm...went to eat pizza hut last nite...1st meal sia..cuz i slept until 5 ytd...cnt believe it...waste of time...Juz saw the clip where yamapi went to meiji university..he's so smart..that sch is damn hard to get in la...wah...

new yr resolution(muz rem me if i 4get hor:p)
1. study hard so i can get promoted
2.pass all the grading for tis yr
3.pass my end of yr jap exam
4.keep fit
5. wun lose my part time job
6.go to club whenever i can
7.read as many bks as i can (including manga)
8.dun slp so much
9. improve my eng!!!
10. watch as many anime as i can

frm wad i c, i think the few resoltion i can keep is7 n 10..haha...ganbaru ne...n i wana learn piano..but it's too ex...btw, i starting wrk frm tis weekend onwards...so most likely, all my weekends are burned ne...haiz...

+ let me die; i'm sorry__]]*
i criedat 5:51 AM|

- + - - - + -